You are not one to be summoned.
You are born of an independence that would shame the wild mare upon the sun dappled plain.
I’ve waited upon my love all of my days.
I have longed for you to the extent mere words suffer as hostages.
I try to occupy my wondering thoughts in the endless anticipation of you
yet you don’t arrive.
My wearisome mind goes to and fro.
Never arriving at any particular destination except the adoration of your beauty.
If you only considered that I’m here, ready in my devotion.
I have ached for you with delirious want.
Yet you forsake me.
I’ve discarded other things I could and should be pursuing at the urgency.
Some indulgent things that would bring pleasure to any courtesan.
But for you my glory, I’ve willingly chosen to rebuke them as sin and be for you only.
You don’t seem to regard this with import but think you’re entitled and so you are.
You tempt me to delirious distraction but you are never subservient to another.
I wait like a puppy for a promised pat on the head.
longing to provide you my devotion so you would realize in me you would have whatever you desire.
To embrace you, to care for you always, this is the air I breathe and is my life.
I would think that you would be anxious to rush to me.
How many would open their heart in such sacrifice to you?
I lay it upon your alter for you to partake of its offering.
Still, I sit here and wonder and while away the hours.
Painfully watching my life pass along waiting upon you.
Sometimes I think that i’m just fooling myself.
I mean, who am I that I should be so honored with your splendor.
I do mean well and am devoted to caring for you unceasingly.
Does this mean anything?
You know sometimes I would just to shake you and scold you as the little girl saying,
“you know, I don’t have to pine my days away for you. I could seek another mistress”
but we both know that is not true.
I have it bad for you my darling.
So how does this render me?
what can I do?
You are my love
Some would say I have myself to blame for allowing you to control me so.
They would tell me I’m a fool and should pay you no mind. That I should set my aim to those more available and more attainable.
That I set my hopes too high.
Yet, I sit here and languish away on fervent hopes for you to fill my soul to your inspiring heights.
Sometimes I think that I’ve seen you but such a short time that I really don’t know you at all.
That I have completely romanticized you and you really aren’t what I’ve imagined.
Maybe I should move on and not set my sights so high.
After all, I’m a man of humble origin and not graced with fortune or talent extraordinaire.
Why should I ever expect such elegance and refinement should ever suffer to be in my presence?
Who knows, I could find myself happier and more productive with simpler fare and what would be the harm in that?
Yet, I wait upon you anyway.
What is it about you?
Why do I waste away over one so illusive to me?
There are other things I need to do. Things I’ve forsook that could render my undoing if left undone. I could go back to them.
I put them aside. Everything is meaningless if I haven’t you with me.
Whatever it is that I could do just vanishes into nothing when I feel your call.
I am such a fool for you.
You are my damnation.
My heart is sick with unrequited love. This dreadful bewitching bliss I feel under your charms.
There are times when I sensed the promise of your arrival and therefore forgone the nourishment for which my body hungers for it pales to the hunger for your sublime enchantment.
The anticipation of oneness with you has not allowed slumber to close my eyes even for an instant for fear of missing any spontaneous ecstasy you bring however momentary.
I follow to the places you grace hoping you would haunt my spirit with your illuminating aura even for just a little while and who knows, you could still manifest your spirit to mine and I would embrace you with loving gratitude.
Yet you spurn me, flaunting your seductive allure. Tormenting me. Having your way with my vulnerable wounded heart and disgracing me in the public square!
I’ve risked persecution, danger, sanity itself when you’ve teased me with a chance to go under your rapturous spell and found I must obey it to the point of madness like the ear that heard the siren song.
Sometimes you make me feel as though you approach and I ready myself only to find you’ve forsaken me once again
to go off with others.
Time and time again you do this and I’m wondering how long I should let you treat me so.
Any sane man with any pride or esteem would have left you long ago and taken up with another but I have remained because when you’re out with the others, I have seen your radiant, transfiguring beauty and long to have you near me regardless of the price.
I imagine you could heal my very soul with your glory and I see how you revive anyone near you.
You are my salvation
But you rescue me not.
Some would say that’s not one who is deserving of the praises I have for you but oh no!
I have briefly had you near me and have seen you truly are a goddess of great reward for steadfast devotion.
Others know this as well and compete for your affections and I’m often fearful I may never have you again because I feel myself proved inadequate and unworthy.
I could feel that you have done this to me.
Making me feel this way because you torment me so.
Teasing me by leading me to believe you’ll be here but always going off with those you deem more worthy of your favor.
You hold me captive and in this way amuse yourself leading me on like a school boy with a crush.
Yet, I remain slavishly devoted to be here whenever you call.
Why don’t you wish my heart?
Can you not see it is devoted and true?
Romeo would dispatch himself with hemlock green with such envy if he only knew a remnant of the love i hold for my juliet.
Wait what Is this? Could it be? Oh this has happened so many times I scarcely could allow my self to believe but could it be so?
Oh yes, Yes my lovely! Here she comes as radiant and lovely as the bright morning sun in the cradle of spring
comes my heart’s desire!
Yes! Oh yes!! Here comes my love, my all, my purpose my devotion my……
Wait, wait, damn it! damn! This always happens! I don’t have freaking pen…sir , sir you have a pe-, miss miss wait, no I don’t want money. do you have a pen, no wait, I’ll give it right back, I see one in your purse bitch gimmie that, no no wait officer I was only no wait , you don’t understand, who knows when the bitch will be back this way no wait…….ahhhhhhgGGgh!!!!!! why do I doooo thiiiiiisss????
Written by Scott Schoffstall
© January 5, 2011
all rights reserved